UNCONSCIOUS DECISIONS

Yesterday I was driving through a rural area near us and I saw an old stucco "court" - two rows of single-story apartments facing each other with nothing more than a walk-way between them. A stucco arch joined the two buildings at the front, and across the back of the building was an enclosed laundry area. It reminded me of a place that my grandma lived when I was just a little tyke.

I couldn't have been more than three years old, and very honestly I don't think I have much other recollection of things at that age, but this building has been imprinted on my mind because of something that happened there.

Mother had dropped me off at grandma's house to be babysat. At three I would have had a new baby sister and perhaps mother was taking my sister to the doctor. I don't remember the details. What I do remember is that Grandma and I had lunch and afterwards she put me down for a nap on her bed in her small bedroom. She pulled the shade down, drew the big floral drapes across the window, and told me to be a good girl and go to sleep. She crept out and closed the door.

I can see that room in my mind's eye as if I had looked at it yesterday. The flowers in the drapes were pink with green leaves. The drapes themselves were a dark maroon color. Grandma had put a rose-colored bedspread on her single bed. I laid on the bed quietly for a few minutes and then I spied a reading light that hooked over the headboard with two metal hooks. There was a small chain that hung down to turn the light on an off, and of course I had to pull on it a couple of times. But nothing happened. So I stuck my finger up inside where a light bulb should have been - and I got a little electrical shock.

It didn't hurt, because there wasn't much electricity in that little lamp, but it was enough to imprint the curtains, the bedspread, the bed, the size of the room, and even the stucco on the outside of the house in my brain so that I have instant recall even these 70 years later. And when I saw that court yesterday I was transported back in time and remembered the whole thing all over again.

It's a funny sensation to have such a recall. I'm sure there are many things that happen when we are kids that we don't remember but still have an effect on us as adults. I had a terrible dream as a teenager in which an empty swimming pool played a prominent part in that dream. To this day I have an aversion to looking in an empty pool. The Greenwood house in Orange had a big swimming pool, and at one point we had to drain it to have some repair work done. Although I didn't like it, when it was empty I made myself walk down inside it several times, hoping this would desensitize me. It did not; I still don't look at an empty pool if I can help it.

But not only bad things get imprinted on us. As an adult, whenever it was time to buy a piece of kitchen equipment - ranging from an electric mixer to a refrigerator - or a washer and dryer for the back porch or garage, I always chose white. I thought it was my free choice, but back in the '60s when avocado-colored appliances were big, I loved the color but still picked white. When asked why I didn't want the avocado I heard myself parroting my mother: white is the best color for appliances because it makes things look so clean. Aha! Another imprinting, I thought, and I was able to erase (or probably just more "over-ride") that imprinting and choose the avocado that I really liked best.

I hope my kids have learned that they don't have to do things a certain way because of something I said when they were kids. Because they are all such free spirits now, I imagine I don't have to worry about that; they seem to happily be able to make their own decisions. Sometimes those decisions are not what I would have done, but what I wanted most of all was to raise them to be independent adults. When I don't hear from one of them in a while, I wonder if I should maybe have imprinted a connection to me a little bit more, but then I realize I got what I wanted for them, and I am satisfied!